Luciferous
by nightmarekitt
Summary: Castiel recalls his path and where it has led him.  Destiel


**Luciferous**

-[unbeta'd]-

I do not own _Supernatural_ in any way shape or form. I was just getting very tired of waiting for _The Born-Again Identity__. _There might be more chapters following this, but for now, it's a oneshot. Pairings include: _**Destiel **_and eventually _**Sabriel**_, but mostly Destiel.

_.Chapter One._

It all happened so suddenly.

In the beginning, Castiel was simply one of the flock – a holy warrior of the lower garrision – a Seraph, to say the least. His destiny was not layed out before him until he was well over five thousand years old, still a youngster in the eyes of his brethren, when he was ordered to retrieve a damned soul from Hell. From the moment he felt the tendrils of Dean Winchester's soul touch the glorious light of his grace, he had a creeping suspsicion that something would eventually go terribly, horribly wrong. Never one to question his place, however, Castiel deemed the feeling unimportant, and kept his suspicions to himself.

Time passed and eventually found him engulfed by the presence of humans – two in particular. The angel's sudden fondness of the Winchester's was not kept quiet for long. His brothers would often cringe or question his odd fascination with them, even when Castiel was leading other angels against Raphael in Heaven's Civil War. Sometimes, he agreed with his family that what he was doing was insane. He had thought of abandoning Sam and Dean, especially when they started getting too pushy or demanding of his attention. They often seemed to forget who he was and how powerful. However, Dean had a crazy way of redeeming Castiel's faith in him when the line seemed to be drawn too thin, and again the angel would find himself distracted by their mortal woes.

Though Castiel favored Dean most of all, he reluctantly had a fondness for Sam that he also could not ignore. After all, to love one Winchester, was to love the other. Castiel would not snub Sam for fear of losing Dean, whom Castiel loved to a frightening degree.

Castiel's existence darkened when Sam's soul was trapped in Hell, Luficer and Michael were sealed away forever, and Dean fled to the loving arms of the woman he loved, not calling for Castiel until the damage was already done.

_Lisa._

To Castiel, that was Dean's deepest betrayal, and her name still left a fowl taste in the angel's mouth. He never could comprehend the feeling that devoured him when Dean turned to that woman – a woman who was good, kind-hearted, and faithful. She was perfect for Dean, she and her son. Yet Castiel, a faithful follower of God, hated Lisa wholeheartedly.

When Dean eventually did call for him – the angel did the most horrible thing he could for the human that he adored most of all. Castiel igorned him. At least, he ignored Dean _most of the time._ There came a point when Castiel could ignore the human's pleas no longer, and he would come in the night, when Lisa slept peacefully at Dean's side, and wipe the nightmares clean for a few days. However, he never alerted Dean to this fact – never betrayed the fact that Dean was the only person in any world that Castiel could not ignore.

Eventually, though, things got bad again on Earth, and there was the whole problem of Soulless Sam, and Alphas, and Crowley, on top of the Battle for Heaven. It was all one great big mess. Castiel found himself lying to Dean, making shoddy deals with demons like Crowley, and generally doing things the he would have shuddered at before the end of the Apocalypse.

The last straw was purgatory.

Castiel knew he was out of options, and all he could see was the dark future awaiting them – the apocalypse _again, _and worst of all, Dean's body laying lifeless at his feet, his soul rotting eternally in Hell, where no one could reach him.

So Castiel begged God to return, and when the Heavenly Father ignored him, the angel did the one thing the Winchester's had taught him best to do.

He _acted_, and he royally _fucked up._

His grace was suddenly home to true monsters - Leviathans. Castiel watched in horror as they possessed him, spilling lies and murdering countless innocents, taunting him with the knowledge of his sins, and ultimately putting him in a situation that couldn't be forgiven.

Dean wouldn't forgive him.

Dean _hated _him.

It didn't take long for those words to sink in, for Castiel to take them to heart and to cower in a corner of his own existence and let the shadows consume his angelic grace. He stopped hearing the voices on the outside, stopped paying attention, until suddenly he was drowning – water everywhere. Confused, Castiel emerged from the darkest part of his mind to prod at the creatures consuming him, only to realize that they were leaving his body, which was too far gone now to be useful, and had walked it into the icy waters of a lake while Dean and Sam looked on.

Castiel waited until the Leviathans were completely gone and until the Winchester's had gone, to _think _again. Pain and guilt consumed him. Pain he felt for his grace, which was so damaged and tainted by darkness that it was practically in shreds around him. His true form was a monstrous, disgusting thing – his wings torn and dripping with the essence of the Leviathans – black liquidy ooze.

The guilt was worse, and he was trying so hard not to think about the horrible things he had done, but they bludgeoned his conscience with a vengeance. Castiel wept and screamed and cried in agony as only an angel could. Violent thunderstorms consumed the area for months until he finally disappeared into himself again, desperate to stay in the depths of misery and guilt until the end of time.

It didn't work.

Of all who could find him, it was Gabriel.

Castiel was not surprised to see him at all. Gabriel, dead at Lucifer's hand? So easily? Never. The archangel was far too smart and clever for that.

In his true form, Gabriel came to him, his grace shining and pure at it embraced Castiel's broken one.

_Come back, Cassie. You can't stay here, bro._

_Go away, Gabriel. I deserve this._

Gabriel's grace flared angrily. _Never! Not you, Castiel. You were the best among us, the most faithful, the most honest._

_I killed our brethren, our family. We are all that remains, Gabriel. I don't deserve your love or your pity. I would put myself in Hell as punishment, but they would only use me as the Leviathans did._

Gabriel's patience was drawing thin, but he pressed on. _Dean misses you. He kept your stupid trench coat._

_He does not want me. He would kill me if I returned to him, _Castiel immediately responded.

_You fool, Castiel. Do you really think he would do that to you? You think that if you came to him, begging for forgiveness, that he could cast you away and be done with you? You were there for him when his own _brother _abandoned him. If he so much as dares turn you away, I'll personally fly over there and kick his stupid ass._

_I…I can't go back, Gabriel._

_Of course, you can, silly! Daddy obviously doesn't give a hoot anymore, and none of our bitchy brothers are here to rid you of your feathers if you decide to be a little selfish. Besides, if you don't go back soon, those boys are going to do something stupid, and one of them's going to end up dead. We're running out of guys to bring'm back, Cassie. They need you on their side!_

…_you could go. You're stronger than me. _Castiel was adamant about not going back…but he felt a small sliver of hope somewhere deep inside of him.

_I plan on going to help them, _Gabriel eventually answered,_ but not without you. These Leviathans are bad news. If we don't stop them…well, you know how it works._

If Castiel could have frowned, he would have.

_My vessel is beyond repair, and my grace is…is…_

_In ribbons?_

_Yes._

_The body I can fix, _the archangel delcared, _but repairing your grace is a more complicated affair. There were more than just the Leviathans in purgatory. I can feel the graces of lost angels, the taint of demented souls, and many other things tangled amongst your wings, Castiel. You'll have to confront them, come to terms with those things, and piece yourself back together._

_And then what?_

_I'll check on you every few days to see how it's going. When the time comes, I'll repair your vessel to the best of my abilities. Then…we'll go find the boys._

After a very long pause, Castiel finally answered, his angelic voice a broken, and now slightly hopeful ring:

_Yes…we'll go find them._

_Good._

32 days later, the body of James Novak emerged from the waters of a murky lake in a explosion of light.

Castiel was reborn.

.End.

**Review?**


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